Its funny how just a week ago I hated you. How, in my mind, you were to blame for our short comings, for my pain, for my feelings of abandonment and betrayal, but it wasn't. You looked towards the future. Towards new beginnings and new meanings and new I love yous while i stayed in the pass. Looking back on it i remember how i used to tell myself "Just one more night and I'll be ready to walk away." But that night never came, and i kept waiting, one night turned into one week, then one month, then one year... Four years its been now, and though I have met new people, dated new girls, my heart and soul was always yours and for what. In my mind you were perfect, what we had people would make movies out of but it wouldn't matter, cause nothing could suffice to what we had. In reality it was a little above sub par at most. We only ever had one defining moment. In my mind every moment was special. Its funny how what is and what you see its completely different in every aspect.
When I saw my future, I always saw you and I would go blind before i dare to see my future without you, but now I dare to look. I see where I want to be and its the same, the only difference is you aren't by my side.... Is that so bad?
I'm done searching for the life we had before...
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Cataract
I went to a party this weekend. Someone mentioned you and I looked at the beer in my hand, chugged the last 3/4ths of it and moved on to the alcohol. I didnt think about you for the rest of the night. I didnt think about how you only talked to me when you needed something. I didnt think about how you only hung out with me when you wanted something. I didnt think about how you used me to keep him off your mind only to run back to him shortly after. He treated you worse than dirt, he ignored you when you needed him, he pretended nothing was wrong when the foundation of your world was crumbling around you. He hit you, physically harmed you, not once, but multiple times. Yet you went back to him.
I told you how i felt about you, you didnt care, you manipulated those feelings, the trust we established as if they meant nothing. I hope you get what you want. I hope you were right when you said he will never hit you again. I hope you get everything you could ever want in life. I honestly do... But if you don't dont come running to me about it. My back is turned, for everything we had, the memories, the laughter, the tears, the moments, they are dead to me. They are irredeemable and buried in a dormant place inside of me where i will never go again.
Though as a final thought, I do owe you a final thanks. It was through your selfishness, your awareness of only yourself, and your manipulative ways that i have learned. learned to care only for myself. To put everyone behind me and to march on. And when you realize you need me and how good i was, I wont need you in my life because my future is so bright.
I told you how i felt about you, you didnt care, you manipulated those feelings, the trust we established as if they meant nothing. I hope you get what you want. I hope you were right when you said he will never hit you again. I hope you get everything you could ever want in life. I honestly do... But if you don't dont come running to me about it. My back is turned, for everything we had, the memories, the laughter, the tears, the moments, they are dead to me. They are irredeemable and buried in a dormant place inside of me where i will never go again.
Though as a final thought, I do owe you a final thanks. It was through your selfishness, your awareness of only yourself, and your manipulative ways that i have learned. learned to care only for myself. To put everyone behind me and to march on. And when you realize you need me and how good i was, I wont need you in my life because my future is so bright.
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
No Room Left to Bleed
I feel Like I'm caught in your game of chess.
Instead of being you king, the most important piece of you life, I am something else. I'm just one of your pawns.
You can move me forward as a distraction. A decoy to distract you from those surrounding you and the pain that you are going through and the thoughts in your mind.You used me until I am over taken or my purpose has been served and I am done for.
You can leave me be. Forgetting about me, leaving me static as if I am not even there, as if you don't see me. As if I am only around as a precaution in case your more important pieces are over taken.
You can hide behind me, saving you from everything going on around you. Not confiding me but using me as a barrier from danger. Then, when it gets overwhelming and I cant protect you, you save yourself and abandon me, as if I'm a lowly lamb being sent to slaughter.
But in the end there is one thing you forget. Even if I am only a inferior pawn, mainly used as a decoy, protection, or simply left on the sidelines; sometimes even a pawn can win the game.
Instead of being you king, the most important piece of you life, I am something else. I'm just one of your pawns.
You can move me forward as a distraction. A decoy to distract you from those surrounding you and the pain that you are going through and the thoughts in your mind.You used me until I am over taken or my purpose has been served and I am done for.
You can leave me be. Forgetting about me, leaving me static as if I am not even there, as if you don't see me. As if I am only around as a precaution in case your more important pieces are over taken.
You can hide behind me, saving you from everything going on around you. Not confiding me but using me as a barrier from danger. Then, when it gets overwhelming and I cant protect you, you save yourself and abandon me, as if I'm a lowly lamb being sent to slaughter.
But in the end there is one thing you forget. Even if I am only a inferior pawn, mainly used as a decoy, protection, or simply left on the sidelines; sometimes even a pawn can win the game.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Drop to Zero
Have you ever been able to look in the Mirror and be able to pick out you single biggest insecurity, single flaw, biggest weakness, greatest fear? Not the standard stuff like 'Oh my teeth aren't straight." or "I procrastinate too much." But deeper than that.
Shakespeare once wrote "The more things change the more they stay the same" My biggest flaw has to do with changing, and the inability to do so. Its not that i haven't thought about it but why? Why face the chance of new pains, new heartaches, new disappointments, new failed attempts, new could haves, new should haves, and new why didn't I's, when I am more then familiar with the ones i am facing now. Its not like I'm hurting anyone, except for maybe, myself. On the positive side, what if everything goes well, and i get everything I ever hope for, what then? Do I call it quits, to I stride for better or settle.
In the end I guess no matter how much I change, like the Shakespeare quote, I stay the same. I will always have this phobia i guess and though it isn't as clear as a sign hanging from my neck to everyone else, it will haunt me, cut through my days and sink into my dreams and my ambitions.
Shakespeare once wrote "The more things change the more they stay the same" My biggest flaw has to do with changing, and the inability to do so. Its not that i haven't thought about it but why? Why face the chance of new pains, new heartaches, new disappointments, new failed attempts, new could haves, new should haves, and new why didn't I's, when I am more then familiar with the ones i am facing now. Its not like I'm hurting anyone, except for maybe, myself. On the positive side, what if everything goes well, and i get everything I ever hope for, what then? Do I call it quits, to I stride for better or settle.
In the end I guess no matter how much I change, like the Shakespeare quote, I stay the same. I will always have this phobia i guess and though it isn't as clear as a sign hanging from my neck to everyone else, it will haunt me, cut through my days and sink into my dreams and my ambitions.
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